We Don’t Talk Much Anymore

Yesterday, I had a mini-breakdown as tensions hit an all-time high and I couldn’t force myself to be positive any longer. A headache hit me that sent throbbing pulses through my neck, shoulders, and back – each sensation a painful reminder of the major stresses in my life: adjusting to a new baby, keeping my cool with a preschooler who is dealing with the new baby and the slow loss of her grandmother  (with whom she is very close), feeling helpless as my toddler teethes painfully, and more recently, dealing with the loss of income as my husband’s union is on strike (don’t even get me started on that!).

All of these things heaped on top of one another and added to the day to day of running a home and finding a new family groove finally snapped in me and I shut down.

As tears stained my cheeks, and Dave wrapped his arms around me, I reached for my phone to do what I usually do when I’m overwhelmed: call my mom. She always has some perspective-changing advice or at least a sympathetic/empathetic ear to lend. I dialed her number and waited for the phone to ring when I realized that she wouldn’t answer.

Although as of this writing she is still with us on earth, she is no longer the mom I know. She is emaciated and weak, completely wiped of her physical strength from the cancer that is now shutting her body down. She sleeps much of the time and cannot stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time. She doesn’t know much of who she is, who others are, and she is often confused from the pain medications. Hallucinations have started to rear their ugly heads – the other day when I was visiting her, she insisted that she could levitate things with her hand from across the room. I just smiled and nodded, when I really wanted to cry. This is not my mother. This is a shell of who she once was, and “thanks” to cancer, the mom I know is gone forever.

It’s harder than I’d ever imagined it would be to lose someone you’re so close to. When I was a little over a year old, my father died. I don’t remember that, so it doesn’t affect me much. In 11th grade, a good friend of mine died suddenly in a car accident and in a way, I think the quickness of her death made it easier to deal with (not that it was easy by any stretch of the imagination). She didn’t suffer, no one had time to think about it. It just happened.  Nearly 3 years ago, Dave and I lost our 2nd daughter, Peyton, and it tore me apart inside. It was a different kind of loss, but a loss of someone close just the same.

Losing my mom is yet another experience because she’s the person I’ve known the longest of all the people I know. She gave me life. She raised me. She loved me when no one else would have.

From the time the doctors said the word “cancer” to my mother in mid-April until right now, it’s been one hell of a fast downward ride. It’s hard to believe that in March, we were having Friday night dinners and making plans for this summer of going to the zoo and beach and spending lots of time together. 17 weeks, a diagnosis, and several surgeries later…and here we are, saying our goodbyes.

Aside from my husband, my mom is my best friend. It hasn’t always been that way, but when I was a kid, I needed a mom not a best friend. We got close when I went to college a mere 30 miles from home…but those 30 miles were just what we needed; just enough distance to see each other as equal adults rather than mother and child. From August of 2004 to now, there have been very limited days that we didn’t talk at least  once on the phone.

So here I am, at 25 years of age, and I feel like an idiot because all I can think is how much I want my mommy. Like a preschooler on the first day of class who won’t detach herself from her mom’s leg. I reach for the phone for our daily talks and am promptly kicked by the invisible foot of cancer that says “oh no, not today!” in no uncertain terms.

Somehow, I will get through this. I have to. I have to be strong for my kids, who will be heartbroken when their grandma is gone. I have to be strong for friends and family. I have to be strong because that’s what mom wants me to do. She has always encouraged me to live my life and do things, see things, be someone of worth. Not to waste away being sad or lamenting her loss. She would want my life to go on with fulfillment. And because of the way she raised me, I know that somewhere inside of me I have the strength to do this. It won’t be easy or fun, but I can do it. I think.

 

Back to Basics

When I first started this blog, I did it because I wanted a place to keep memories and share ideas. I did it for me because I needed an outlet of my own to help me release some of the stress that comes with, well, living. Somewhere along the way though, I got it in my head that I needed to be the next Kelle Hampton or Kristen of The Frugal Girl. That I needed to be on everyone’s “Must Read Blogs” list or have a billion and five readers.

When that didn’t happen, I sort of became disenchanted by blogging and that’s where I’ve been teetering for quite some time now. But recently, I’ve realized that an outlet is what I really needed all along – not a huge readership or fame.

So I’m going to start writing for me again. To capture memories, feelings, thoughts. To share recipes that I love, to upload my mental pictures into words. And I’m sorry if that doesn’t sit well with some of my readers. But I need to do this for me.

 

I Had a Baby Boy!

I will be on a small blogging break over the next several days.

After a rough day of labor and battling with a quick and severe onset of pre-eclampsia, our beautiful little boy, Harrison, was born on Sunday via c-section.

We are both doing much better now as 2 separated individuals than we were right before delivery, and I am absolutely in love with the little guy.

So while I recover and adapt to life with 3 kids under 4, a small break will occur. I hope you are all well and life is most excellent

Econobum: A Cloth Diaper Review

I am in no way affiliated  with or compensated by Econobum diapers or Cottonbabies.com. This review is solely my opinion.

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I’m not going to lie. For a long time, the thought of cloth diapers scared me. A lot. It seemed like a LOT of work and a LOT of money just to be able to reuse a diaper. So with Duck, we decided to go the disposable route and let it go.

Thankfully, we found a nice brand of disposable that offered a good price for a large amount of diapers, and just went with it for the 3 years she was using them. But even at a “good price,” for those 3 years, we spent roughly $2,900 on a product that was just thrown away. 

So when I got pregnant with Goose, we started talking cloth diapers.

But talk is all we did for the first year. Most of that was economic issues – we couldn’t set aside enough money to get started. Things were tight and it was easier to come up with $20 at a time than $100. So we pushed the idea aside for a  while and continued down the road of disposables.

Shortly after Goose turned 1, we sat down and explored our cloth options. I stumbled upon a website called CottonBabies and saw that they offered a diaper called “Econobum.” These diapers are just under $50 for a set of 12 prefolds and 3 covers. They require very little maintenance, no pins or fancy extras, and have excellent reviews. We took the plunge and ordered 3 packs (since we’ll soon have 2 in diapers).

I have to tell you – best decision ever. Seriously. Cloth diapering is SO easy thanks to these. They’re a prefold set which means the inside of the diapers have lines on them to show you where to fold them. You just lay the prefold inserts in the cover and put it on like a disposable diaper. The covers have adjustable snaps on them to change the diapers’ sizing – from newborn to potty trained. With a mere $50, you could take your child from newborn  to potty trained. Really!

These wash up great, fit very well, and have an absorbency that I’ve never seen on a disposable diaper. They work great overnight, and even though she’s super active at this point, Goose hasn’t had any leakage issues whatsoever with these.

Over all, I am super impressed and sad that I didn’t try these earlier. We could have saved ourselves a lot of money had we switched sooner, but at least we’ll save big time with our younger 2 kids.

 

Healthy Marriage: Keeping That Honeymoon Feeling

This is part 2 in a series. CLICK HERE to read part 1.

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It seems to me that a  good chunk of marriages that fail these days are cited as failing because either one partner or both “weren’t happy.” But what exactly does that mean?

Happiness, as my mother always taught me, is something you have to create for yourself. You cannot rely on another person to make you happy. Another person can enhance your happiness, detract from your happiness, or even help you create new ways to make yourself happy – but another person cannot make you truly happy.

So how do you keep yourself happy in a marriage long after the actual honeymoon is over? How do you bring extra cheer to your partner? Here are a few suggestions that we employ in our marriage that really seem to work.

1. Flirt. We flirt with someone when we first start dating or even a little before that…so why stop after the vows are said and the rings are on? I make a conscious effort to flirt with my husband at least once a day – whether it means winking at him, brushing his hand when he reaches for something, telling him how nice he looks, etc. A genuine compliment or gesture can go a long way in making someone else’s day a little brighter.

2. Put them first on purpose. Putting your spouse’s wants/needs before your own or anyone else’s on occasion is a great way to make them feel special and loved. I know it isn’t possible to do this 100% of the time, but every once in a while, purposely make a request or wishful thought of theirs a reality.

3. Take time for two. Especially when you have kids, it’s really hard to make time for just the two of you, but it is really, really important that you do so. Even if it’s a date night at home after the kids are in bed – take time to share something special with your spouse. The intimacy of one-on-one time is often lost in the shuffle of crazy day-to-day stuff…don’t let it swallow your marriage!

4. Say “thank you.” Does your husband work outside the home for a cash paycheck? Say thank you for his dedication. Does your wife take care of your home and children? Tell her you appreciate what she does. Does your husband rub your back when you’ve had a rough day? Let him know how much that means to you. You get the point. Make your spouse feel appreciated. Let them know that their extra efforts mean something to you.

5. Turn it off. Unplug from the rest of the world at a certain time each day. No more internet. No more smartphones. No texting, chatting, etc. that isn’t in person. By cutting the distractions and maximizing the time you’ve got together, you can concentrate on a really close bond that most couples let fall by the wayside.

 

How do you enhance your marriage/relationship?

 

A Bunch of Stuff Post

We’ve been super busy. July came and we hit the pavement running…full force. Well, some of us waddle now, but you get the picture.

What we’ve been up to. Pretty much everything. We finally bought a new (to us) van that we desperately needed. After a giant failure of trying to get 3 car seats into the back of our SUV, it was pretty clear that we needed something with 3 rows. Now we outright own the van we wanted and got for an excellent price!

We had excellent weather for the 4th of July – ended up at an arts festival, the wedding of some seriously awesome friends, a parade, a cookout, and some fireworks.

Shortly thereafter, I celebrated  my 25th birthday. My husband and family spoiled me rotten and I had a great time. We’ve been everywhere from shopping trips to the  zoo to the swimming pool and beyond. Not too shabby in 90+ degree weather at 8 months pregnant.

The Food Stamp Challenge. I’ve been keeping up with this, but just lack the time to update about it. I’ve only been grocery shopping on one other occasion than the one I wrote about before, so our savings has been significant. We’ve been working through our stockpile of things as well as (shamefully) dining out (mostly at picnics and weddings though!). I’m proud of our progress with it.

Parenting stuff. My lovely, darling 3.5 year old daughter has recently entered a phase that none of us are keen on. She’s mouthy, moody, and it’s almost puberty-like. It got to the point where I was in tears, googling and calling her pediatrician…and apparently this progression is normal and will eventually go away. She’s just testing what she can get away with doing and saying…and although it’s upsetting, we’re supposed to just correct it and move on. Yikes. I thought I had years before this stuff happened.

Her 14, almost 15 month old sister, on the other hand, is talking up a storm and being a sweet baby. I suspect that will change here in a few more months when she fully realizes that her little brother is needing attention and such. Ah well, it’s challenging but fun.

And that explains what all we’ve been up to. I hope everyone is having a fabulous summer!

Building A Healthy Marriage

After sharing a meal with an old friend, hearing about her marriage (and how incredibly different it is from mine!), and answering questions about how Dave and I make things work, I decided maybe I’d share my thoughts here. It’ll probably be a multiple post type of deal because it’s such a loaded topic, but that’s okay with me.

I should start by saying a few things that will probably need clarifying otherwise. The first of which is that a healthy marriage isn’t always a happy marriage. No one is ever absolutely thrilled with any aspect of their life all the time, and marriage is no exception – and that’s okay! If you find yourself saying, “Well I’m happy ALL the time with my marriage!” chances are you’re either lying or unaware of problem areas. Being content and in love all the time is much, much different than24/7 happiness.

The second bit of what I’m saying that I’d like to clarify is that I am not a marriage expert. I’m only an expert on my marriage. What works for us may not work for other people, but a lot of it should be applicable across the board.

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So where do we start? How about at the beginning, before you’re married and still looking for that “perfect” mate. Here are my 3 big tips for on the search.

1. Accept imperfection. You’re not perfect, are you? Well then why would you expect a potential mate to be absolutely flawless? Weigh the good against the imperfections and make your choices from there. Are the imperfections you see ones that you could live with (he never puts his clothes in the hamper vs. she smokes 2 packs a day and drinks whiskey like water)? If so, accept them and move on.

2. Find someone like-minded. I know from reading around on the blogosphere and talking with married couples that some people enjoy a submissive lifestyle where one spouse submits to the rules of the other. I know that some people lead a better married life by basically coinciding with having separate lives. I know that my marriage is one in which we are equal partners who value each others’ opinions on everything and we do most everything together. Whatever mindset you’re in, finding someone who is like-minded is important, otherwise you’ll spend your time trying to change the other person or simply butting heads constantly. And none of that is healthy.

3. Set reasonable standards from the get-go. Wanting to marry a blonde billionaire with sparkling blue eyes, a model’s body, no personality flaws, and a love for toy poodles might be a bit unrealistic. But wanting to marry someone who can hold down a respectable [read: legal] job, who doesn’t abuse you, or who doesn’t do drugs is a perfectly okay standard to hold. Having realistic standards for yourself is a good way to say, “I have self-worth and will not just settle for just anything or anyone who comes along.” And it’s a good way to keep yourself from just settling.

The beginnings of any relationship often set the tone for the whole relationship – whether it be a friendship or something romantic. How you handle the beginning can either set you up for a great success or failure.

Up next? How to keep the newlywed feeling without faking it!